The Album of the Soundtrack of the Trailer of the Film of Monty Python and the Holy Grail
1975
Michael Palin as Interviewer
Graham Chapman as Carl French
0.00 – 2.41
Interviewer: Mr. French, you're one of the film world's most arrogant queens. I mean not just homosexual or Gay or anything, I mean you are a raving queen.
Carl French: Well, yes.
Interviewer: I mean, a real screamer, a real "Whoops! Get her! Don't mind me dear!" limp-wristed caricature.
Carl French: Is that not in order?
Interviewer: No, no, that's fine. And I understand that you married the beautiful black heiress Hueyna Tanoy partly for the publicity but mostly to cover up the fact that you prefer going out with Little Boys.
Carl French: Look, really!
Interviewer: Carl, you're an offending little poof, a mincing gay-bar loiterer, a winnet-covered walking perfume shop and an evil perverter of innocent little boys!
Carl French: What!? Really! Is this part of the interview?
Interviewer: No, no, I just wanted a few contacts.
Carl French: Well, shouldn't we be talking about the film?
Interviewer: We’ve been off the air for ages. Now, where'd you find them?
Carl French: Look, I think we are still on the air.
Interviewer: Oh, sod the fucking air! Can’t you still get locked up for that sort of thing.
Carl French: What about the film?
Interviewer: Just a few addresses, please...
Carl French: Look, we’ve got James Dean in it, in a box!
Interviewer: I-I can turn the microphone off if you...
Carl French: And bits of Jayne Mansfield...
------------------------------
Apparently the first half, the stuff about keeping a dead Marilyn Monroe in a box, originated in a sketch by Douglas Adams.
As per Monty Python, one bizarre concept leaps into another, switching from the weird film into the strange abuse. And abuse it intentionally is, not what one usually expects in the course of some film PR. Chapman’s performanceplays it as un-gay as possible, a perfectly stolid character, even as the interviewer moves beyond abuse, into baroque invective, and then realms of scandalous sexual criminality. Yet there’s also a freedom, since this sketch would probably not have passed on television or on cinema. As a LP sketch it can ascend to new heights of bad taste, and just let the abuse flow, matched by Palin’s escalating shrieking hysteria, as he skips in and out of mocking faggy voices. And then the final twist, which isn’t a million miles away from “Nudge Nudge”’s “What’s it like?”
If you were wondering, a “winnet” is the ball of unremoved specks of shit that dry onto the hairs around your sphincter. Share this information with your colleagues at work.
Wednesday, 18 November 2009
Monday, 16 November 2009
322: Monty Python - Tchaikovsky
"Monty Python's Flying Circus"
26 October 1972
Wow, this gets though a lot in an awfully short time. Pay no attention to the subtitles.
Besides all the usual sharp Pythonesque nonsense subverting high culture and parodying the media, this is inspired by contemporary revelations and innuendoes about a long dead composer. From a period when Ken Russell films were big stuff, his 1970 film “The Music Lovers” was not shy about Tchaikovsky’s homosexuality – although it has absolutely no relevance to John Cleese’s summary. And it allows for slightly salacious comments through the sketch, ie, “contains material that some people might find offensive but which is really smashing” and “the naughty bits, which were extremely naughty for his time”
So Eric Idle’s opening salvo, “Was he just an old poof who wrote tunes” undercuts all the traditional respect and typical dignity of the arts documentary format.
“Hello Pianist” is an obvious play off the camp salute “Hello sailor”.
Particularly unexpected is Michael Palin’s gossipy hairdresser Maurice (and compare his previous outing as a hairdresser climbing Mount Everest). The campness is out of all proportion to the normal documentary manner, although tangentially related to Tchaikovsky’s homosexuality. A gay hairdresser is an acknowledged cliché, and rather more than Graham Chapman’s David Unction, deliberately exaggerating the stereotype is part of the joke. So this is a Pythonesque poof since it is a comic collision between disparate styles. The actual performance is just a great gawping mouth, with lots of eye rolling and delicately held hands. The alliterative slang is a new one to me though.
Sunday, 15 November 2009
321: Monty Python - David Unction
“Monty Python’s Flying Circus”
21st December 1969
Graham Chapman as David Unction
3:36 – 4.42
Of itself there’s not much to this early gay cameo in the firsts series of “Monty Python’s Flying Circus”. It is made ever so slightly more complicated by the directions from the original script:
“Cut to effeminate announcer sitting at continuity desk. Any resemblance to Mel Oxley should be accidental. His name is David Unction.”
Mel Oxley was a real in-vision continuity announcer of the period. So this is intended as a parody of a particular person, besides encapsulating a certain sort of oleaginous showbiz, exuding smarmy false sentiment. A particular brand of desperately up-beat and insincerely ingratiating mannerisms – bright, bright, lots of smiles, etc – has gay connotations. Make of the twinkly sign what you will. Although the “Old Queen” is a more explicit attack on the figure being parodied.
6.00 – 6.24
Here the team ramp up their caricature a bit further. The appearance of an actual muscle-mag is deliberately surprising, and possibly a first in a comedy programme. And now David Unction has become a forthright queen. The “You Fairy” attack from the Viking brings forth a wheedling bitchy manner, flaring nostrils and a snide cry of “Hello sailor!” Is anything very advanced or complicated one with all this? Well, no. It not much more advanced than thinking that presenting a homosexual on screen is enough to be funny of itself.
One final complication in all this is that Chapman, an actual gay man, is playing this character. Of course at this time there is a tendency for gay men to play gay stereotypes on film and stage. Only no one actually will admit they’re gay. And Chapman at this point in his career was no different. You can see him play a theatrical queen in 1968’s “How to Irritate People”. He also played a similarly bitchy, quasi-hysterical camp photographer in the 1970 film “Doctor in Trouble”. A year or so later Chapman would donate funds to the establishment of “Gay News”, and would give a lengthy interview in one of the early issues. It’s notable that Chapman pretty much stopped performing these sort of roles after that.
21st December 1969
Graham Chapman as David Unction
3:36 – 4.42
Of itself there’s not much to this early gay cameo in the firsts series of “Monty Python’s Flying Circus”. It is made ever so slightly more complicated by the directions from the original script:
“Cut to effeminate announcer sitting at continuity desk. Any resemblance to Mel Oxley should be accidental. His name is David Unction.”
Mel Oxley was a real in-vision continuity announcer of the period. So this is intended as a parody of a particular person, besides encapsulating a certain sort of oleaginous showbiz, exuding smarmy false sentiment. A particular brand of desperately up-beat and insincerely ingratiating mannerisms – bright, bright, lots of smiles, etc – has gay connotations. Make of the twinkly sign what you will. Although the “Old Queen” is a more explicit attack on the figure being parodied.
6.00 – 6.24
Here the team ramp up their caricature a bit further. The appearance of an actual muscle-mag is deliberately surprising, and possibly a first in a comedy programme. And now David Unction has become a forthright queen. The “You Fairy” attack from the Viking brings forth a wheedling bitchy manner, flaring nostrils and a snide cry of “Hello sailor!” Is anything very advanced or complicated one with all this? Well, no. It not much more advanced than thinking that presenting a homosexual on screen is enough to be funny of itself.
One final complication in all this is that Chapman, an actual gay man, is playing this character. Of course at this time there is a tendency for gay men to play gay stereotypes on film and stage. Only no one actually will admit they’re gay. And Chapman at this point in his career was no different. You can see him play a theatrical queen in 1968’s “How to Irritate People”. He also played a similarly bitchy, quasi-hysterical camp photographer in the 1970 film “Doctor in Trouble”. A year or so later Chapman would donate funds to the establishment of “Gay News”, and would give a lengthy interview in one of the early issues. It’s notable that Chapman pretty much stopped performing these sort of roles after that.
Wednesday, 11 November 2009
320: Stephen Stucker in "Airplane!"
“Airplane!” 1980
Written and directed by Jim Abrahams, David Zucker, and Jerry Zucker
Stephen Stucker as Johnny Henshaw
This is someone’s edited selection of Stephen Stucker’s scenes and one-liners from the film “Airplane!”
Stucker’s performance would appear to be fondly remembered by many fans of the film, his role perfectly capturing the film’s off-the-wall one-liner style.
Over the course of the film, Stucker’s brief appearances paint a portrait in camp: exuberant, blithe, mischievous, inconsequentially and randomly silly playing off the more serious delivery of lines from other actors.
If you want to delve deeper into the gags Stucker delivers, you can just about snuffle out a few gay mannerisms: childish, trivial, bitchy, fashion-obsessed, and a Wizard of Oz reference. But I’ll admit I’m really straining to make that work.
How much Stucker is acting or whether this performance encompassed his range is hard to tell since he did not appear in many films. He had played an insane gay fashion designer Bruce (yes that stereotypically American gay name again) Wilson in a 1975 sexploitation film “Delinquent School Girls” aka “Carnal Madness”.
“Delinquent School Girls” trailer
Although mainstream American prejudices at the time liked to believe gay men were fairies, such flamboyant camp has never had a ready home on US screens, and Stucker’s style of performance may not have led to the career opportunities provided in the UK. Stucker’s equivalent in the UK would probably be someone like Christopher Biggins. Biggins played a number of coded or explicitly gay comedy cameos throughout the ‘70s (besides starring in ‘70s sex comedies like The Sex Thief, Eskimo Nell, It Could happen to You, and Adventures of a Plumber’s Mate). Panto also gave Biggins’ style of performance a regular home, and Biggins had occasional roles in serious dramas as villains and oddballs. Biggins of course has survived, and become a minor national figure in the process. Stucker was less lucky. Stephen Stucker was one of the first Hollywood actors to publicly announce he was HIV-positive. Here he is as part of a panel discussing AIDS on the “Phil Donahue Show” in 1985. Stucker died of AIDS on April 13, 1986.
Written and directed by Jim Abrahams, David Zucker, and Jerry Zucker
Stephen Stucker as Johnny Henshaw
This is someone’s edited selection of Stephen Stucker’s scenes and one-liners from the film “Airplane!”
Stucker’s performance would appear to be fondly remembered by many fans of the film, his role perfectly capturing the film’s off-the-wall one-liner style.
Over the course of the film, Stucker’s brief appearances paint a portrait in camp: exuberant, blithe, mischievous, inconsequentially and randomly silly playing off the more serious delivery of lines from other actors.
If you want to delve deeper into the gags Stucker delivers, you can just about snuffle out a few gay mannerisms: childish, trivial, bitchy, fashion-obsessed, and a Wizard of Oz reference. But I’ll admit I’m really straining to make that work.
How much Stucker is acting or whether this performance encompassed his range is hard to tell since he did not appear in many films. He had played an insane gay fashion designer Bruce (yes that stereotypically American gay name again) Wilson in a 1975 sexploitation film “Delinquent School Girls” aka “Carnal Madness”.
“Delinquent School Girls” trailer
Although mainstream American prejudices at the time liked to believe gay men were fairies, such flamboyant camp has never had a ready home on US screens, and Stucker’s style of performance may not have led to the career opportunities provided in the UK. Stucker’s equivalent in the UK would probably be someone like Christopher Biggins. Biggins played a number of coded or explicitly gay comedy cameos throughout the ‘70s (besides starring in ‘70s sex comedies like The Sex Thief, Eskimo Nell, It Could happen to You, and Adventures of a Plumber’s Mate). Panto also gave Biggins’ style of performance a regular home, and Biggins had occasional roles in serious dramas as villains and oddballs. Biggins of course has survived, and become a minor national figure in the process. Stucker was less lucky. Stephen Stucker was one of the first Hollywood actors to publicly announce he was HIV-positive. Here he is as part of a panel discussing AIDS on the “Phil Donahue Show” in 1985. Stucker died of AIDS on April 13, 1986.
Tuesday, 10 November 2009
319: W.K.R.P. in Cincinnati 1981
“W.K.R.P. in Cincinnati”
18 November 1981
"Three Days Of The Condo", written by Lissa Levin
Here we reach the point that gay stereotypes can be used for the express purpose of discomforting bigots. So we get Johnny Fever camping it up with gusto to shrieks from the audience. I think the audience’s enjoyment stems equally from provoking the staid, uptight condo committee and from the nelly posturing and exaggerated inter-racial romantic affections of Johnny.
Hesseman had played a gay character several times on the sitcom “The Bob Newhart Show” in the later ‘70s, but I haven’t seen it so can’t compare.
The third episode of the first season of WKRP had a gay-themed episode in 1978. When a local athlete overhears other reporters refer to Les as a "Queer Little Guy" (because of his lack of knowledge about sports and his strange behaviour), Les gets banned from the locker room at the stadium for being gay. Whether true or not, the rumours prompt the permanently uptight Les to contemplate suicide by jumping off the building. They eventually get Les to talk to the player by phone and the matter is straightened out. The line "Les, it's okay if you're a homo." was redubbed in syndication as "Les, it's okay if you're gay."
---------------------------------------
Howard Hesseman (Johnny "Fever" Caravella)
Tim Reid (Gordon "Venus Flytrap" Sims)
Richard Sanders (Les Nessman)
Weldon Boyce Bleiler (Mr. Waynwright)
Constance Pfeifer (Ms. Archer)
Johnny receives a settlement cheque of $24,000. Johnny starts spending his money recklessly until Venus convinces him to invest in a condominium at "Gone With The Wind Estates". When Johnny begins to feel confined due to all the rules, he tries to pull out of his investment. Johnny and Vegas speak to the condominium committee. When Johnny can't get out of the contract, he threatens to throw loud, wild parties "night, after night, after night" until the contract is released. The female condo committee head responds that she will just have Johnny arrested, "...night after night after night, until you learn to behave yourself like a good little 'Gone-with the-Wind-er'."
In Johnny’s empty apartment. Mr Waynwright and Ms Archer sat down facing Johnny and Venus. Johnny sat in one chair. Venus stood up
V: I mean, there’s gotta be something we can do here. I mean, let’s see here. (confidentially, nudging J on shoulder) Johnny, can you think of anything?
(long pause. V still tapping J slightly on shoulders, to encourage him to do or say something.
J: No….ah…
(but J looks up as V walks away to far end of room)
J: (matter of factly) But, I think it’s time we started telling the truth, Venus
V: (turning around) It is?
J: Yes it is. (gets up) Now Lord knows, I Do want to be a good “Gone-with-the-Wind-er”. (walks across to V) It’s Venus here that’s really unhappy.
(Since V is stood on higher part of flooring, J is slightly beneath V, turns around to gesture at V with one slightly limp hand)
J: And that is his first name – Venus. Just like the Goddess of love and beauty.
(J clasps his hands together. Simpers slightly. Looks up at V from lidded, slightly fluttery eyes)
J: (adopting a camper tone) Cross my heart, Vene, once we move in here together, you’re going to come to Love it.
(J steps up to V, and puts one hand on nearest shoulder and other hand around V’s nearest arm. V is now very uncomfortable and remains so for the rest of this scene)
J: Just think of all the things we can do with Textures?
(J moves hand on V’s nearest shoulder to farthest shoulder)
J: Hm, hm? Remember those darling little wall-hangings we saw in that shop off Decker Street? They were to die, Vene, just to DIE! What do you say?
(J moves hand on V’s farthest shoulder to top of farthest arm and cuddles/shakes/rocks V slightly)
J: Just loosen up, hm, how ‘bout it?
V: Errrrr-hah
J: (to W and A) It’s that old South thing that’s got him upset. You know, the slavery bugaboo, and that is just So Silly.
(suddenly takes V by the hand and pulls him back to chairs. V sits embarrassed, with hands clasped in lap. J talks with a lot of swishy gestures of one hand)
J: Now we’ll blend right in here. We’ll just go to all the parties. We’ll get to know our neighbours.
(rests hand on V’s shoulder and leans into him)
J: We’ll enjoy the pool, and the sauna.
J: (to W and A) We will practically LIVE in the sauna. Think about it Vene? We can take long strolls through “Frankly My Dear Park”, hm?
(sits down on chair next to V)
J: We can have Mr Wainwright and Miss Archer over for some of your scampi, wouldn’t that be fun?
(now has one hand on V’s nearest shoulder and other on V’s lower arm)
J: So how ‘bout it, you two? What do you say?
(with his hands fluttering apart to punctuate each key word)
J: Let’s just forget about all this terrible Business and just LIVE and create, and just BE?
(W and A look awkwardly at each other)
J: He’ll be alright, I’ll talk to him.
(J puts hand on V’s, crosses his legs, and looks knowingly at V)
(shot of uncomfortable W and A.)
(Cuts to WKRP office. V is now recounting with great humour the events just)
V: And then I swear he reached over and gave me a peck on the cheek
Les: Yuck!
Herb: You didn’t tell ‘em you very from KRP, did ya? They are clients of mine, you know.
V: No. But I did tell them I knew you very well (puckers his lips at him) We went over to the office and tore up the contracts. Fever was completely out of control. (aping camp enthusiasm with arms half thrown up in air with lip hands) He was ‘Liza Minnelli’ this and ‘Liza Minnelli’ that!
J comes in through closed door
V: Well there you are, you dusky devil! (slumps against door frame)
End of scene
18 November 1981
"Three Days Of The Condo", written by Lissa Levin
Here we reach the point that gay stereotypes can be used for the express purpose of discomforting bigots. So we get Johnny Fever camping it up with gusto to shrieks from the audience. I think the audience’s enjoyment stems equally from provoking the staid, uptight condo committee and from the nelly posturing and exaggerated inter-racial romantic affections of Johnny.
Hesseman had played a gay character several times on the sitcom “The Bob Newhart Show” in the later ‘70s, but I haven’t seen it so can’t compare.
The third episode of the first season of WKRP had a gay-themed episode in 1978. When a local athlete overhears other reporters refer to Les as a "Queer Little Guy" (because of his lack of knowledge about sports and his strange behaviour), Les gets banned from the locker room at the stadium for being gay. Whether true or not, the rumours prompt the permanently uptight Les to contemplate suicide by jumping off the building. They eventually get Les to talk to the player by phone and the matter is straightened out. The line "Les, it's okay if you're a homo." was redubbed in syndication as "Les, it's okay if you're gay."
---------------------------------------
Howard Hesseman (Johnny "Fever" Caravella)
Tim Reid (Gordon "Venus Flytrap" Sims)
Richard Sanders (Les Nessman)
Weldon Boyce Bleiler (Mr. Waynwright)
Constance Pfeifer (Ms. Archer)
Johnny receives a settlement cheque of $24,000. Johnny starts spending his money recklessly until Venus convinces him to invest in a condominium at "Gone With The Wind Estates". When Johnny begins to feel confined due to all the rules, he tries to pull out of his investment. Johnny and Vegas speak to the condominium committee. When Johnny can't get out of the contract, he threatens to throw loud, wild parties "night, after night, after night" until the contract is released. The female condo committee head responds that she will just have Johnny arrested, "...night after night after night, until you learn to behave yourself like a good little 'Gone-with the-Wind-er'."
In Johnny’s empty apartment. Mr Waynwright and Ms Archer sat down facing Johnny and Venus. Johnny sat in one chair. Venus stood up
V: I mean, there’s gotta be something we can do here. I mean, let’s see here. (confidentially, nudging J on shoulder) Johnny, can you think of anything?
(long pause. V still tapping J slightly on shoulders, to encourage him to do or say something.
J: No….ah…
(but J looks up as V walks away to far end of room)
J: (matter of factly) But, I think it’s time we started telling the truth, Venus
V: (turning around) It is?
J: Yes it is. (gets up) Now Lord knows, I Do want to be a good “Gone-with-the-Wind-er”. (walks across to V) It’s Venus here that’s really unhappy.
(Since V is stood on higher part of flooring, J is slightly beneath V, turns around to gesture at V with one slightly limp hand)
J: And that is his first name – Venus. Just like the Goddess of love and beauty.
(J clasps his hands together. Simpers slightly. Looks up at V from lidded, slightly fluttery eyes)
J: (adopting a camper tone) Cross my heart, Vene, once we move in here together, you’re going to come to Love it.
(J steps up to V, and puts one hand on nearest shoulder and other hand around V’s nearest arm. V is now very uncomfortable and remains so for the rest of this scene)
J: Just think of all the things we can do with Textures?
(J moves hand on V’s nearest shoulder to farthest shoulder)
J: Hm, hm? Remember those darling little wall-hangings we saw in that shop off Decker Street? They were to die, Vene, just to DIE! What do you say?
(J moves hand on V’s farthest shoulder to top of farthest arm and cuddles/shakes/rocks V slightly)
J: Just loosen up, hm, how ‘bout it?
V: Errrrr-hah
J: (to W and A) It’s that old South thing that’s got him upset. You know, the slavery bugaboo, and that is just So Silly.
(suddenly takes V by the hand and pulls him back to chairs. V sits embarrassed, with hands clasped in lap. J talks with a lot of swishy gestures of one hand)
J: Now we’ll blend right in here. We’ll just go to all the parties. We’ll get to know our neighbours.
(rests hand on V’s shoulder and leans into him)
J: We’ll enjoy the pool, and the sauna.
J: (to W and A) We will practically LIVE in the sauna. Think about it Vene? We can take long strolls through “Frankly My Dear Park”, hm?
(sits down on chair next to V)
J: We can have Mr Wainwright and Miss Archer over for some of your scampi, wouldn’t that be fun?
(now has one hand on V’s nearest shoulder and other on V’s lower arm)
J: So how ‘bout it, you two? What do you say?
(with his hands fluttering apart to punctuate each key word)
J: Let’s just forget about all this terrible Business and just LIVE and create, and just BE?
(W and A look awkwardly at each other)
J: He’ll be alright, I’ll talk to him.
(J puts hand on V’s, crosses his legs, and looks knowingly at V)
(shot of uncomfortable W and A.)
(Cuts to WKRP office. V is now recounting with great humour the events just)
V: And then I swear he reached over and gave me a peck on the cheek
Les: Yuck!
Herb: You didn’t tell ‘em you very from KRP, did ya? They are clients of mine, you know.
V: No. But I did tell them I knew you very well (puckers his lips at him) We went over to the office and tore up the contracts. Fever was completely out of control. (aping camp enthusiasm with arms half thrown up in air with lip hands) He was ‘Liza Minnelli’ this and ‘Liza Minnelli’ that!
J comes in through closed door
V: Well there you are, you dusky devil! (slumps against door frame)
End of scene
Sunday, 8 November 2009
318: George Carlin
“Gay Lib”
from “Toledo Window Box” ( recorded 20 July 1974)
by George Carlin
Though titled “Gay Lib”, this stand-up routine has very little actually to do with the details and practicalities of the Gay Lib movement. It’s much more about constitutes natural and unnatural sexual attractions and responses, arguing that a sexual response is just a sexual responses and therefore discrimination is unthinking. George Carlin was by this time recognised as the new Lenny Bruce for the counter-culture, all for tolerance, social change and sexual openness.
From about ten years earlier these were Lenny Bruce’s take on homosexuality which (discounting the liberal use of “faggot for the time) is also very open to the whole range of human sexual responses
By analysing the central matter of sexuality, but not in a prurient manner, both Bruce and Carlin pretty much avoid any discussion of gay stereotypes.
-----------------------------------------
Gay Lib.
Now interestingly, here is an attempt by a put down and kind of persecuted minority to insist on their place rightfully and their treatment rightfully, without it having anything to do with ethnic or religion or anything! It's really an exciting separate part of Liberation.
Now I have always wondered...Well, we’ve all thought about “homosexual” – “heterosexual”. We’ve always wondered, first of all, sometimes we, if we're younger, we react to that in a way that we've been schooled. Then you kinda get your chops and you get things okay and you understand and it's all right to be able to talk about that:
(mumbles mimicking conversation) ...young.....kid...that’s cool...(more mumbling) You know.
Then.
Well here's what I mean. The word "homosexual" - many people who are not in the position to have to decide this, they wonder:
(puts on voice) "Is homosexuality... is it Normal? Is it Natural? I ask you. Is it Normal or Natural? Is it unnatural and abnormal?"
Now those two words seem to revolve around it. Now let's look at those words for what they are...
"Natural." Hey. Means "according to nature." Is it according to nature? Well....Probably not in the strictest sense because nature didn't presuppose it. Nature only gave us one set of sexual apparatus. Girl's got something for the guys, guy's got something for the girls.
As it is now, a homosexual is forced to "Share" the apparatus that the opposite sex is using on this person. Certainly if nature were in command there'd be two sets of goodies. So nature was not ready. We leaped past nature again in our sociological development, Way down the road ahead of nature.
Is it normal? Normal? Well what's "normal?" Well, let's see.. if you're standing in a room, stripped, and it's dark, (speaks faster) and you're hugging a person and loving them and rubbing them up and down and they're rubbing you and you're rubbing together, and suddenly the light goes on and it's the same sex, you've been trained to go
(long, loud prolonged scream)
But it felt Okayyy.... So maybe it was normal without being natural.
from “Toledo Window Box” ( recorded 20 July 1974)
by George Carlin
Though titled “Gay Lib”, this stand-up routine has very little actually to do with the details and practicalities of the Gay Lib movement. It’s much more about constitutes natural and unnatural sexual attractions and responses, arguing that a sexual response is just a sexual responses and therefore discrimination is unthinking. George Carlin was by this time recognised as the new Lenny Bruce for the counter-culture, all for tolerance, social change and sexual openness.
From about ten years earlier these were Lenny Bruce’s take on homosexuality which (discounting the liberal use of “faggot for the time) is also very open to the whole range of human sexual responses
By analysing the central matter of sexuality, but not in a prurient manner, both Bruce and Carlin pretty much avoid any discussion of gay stereotypes.
-----------------------------------------
Gay Lib.
Now interestingly, here is an attempt by a put down and kind of persecuted minority to insist on their place rightfully and their treatment rightfully, without it having anything to do with ethnic or religion or anything! It's really an exciting separate part of Liberation.
Now I have always wondered...Well, we’ve all thought about “homosexual” – “heterosexual”. We’ve always wondered, first of all, sometimes we, if we're younger, we react to that in a way that we've been schooled. Then you kinda get your chops and you get things okay and you understand and it's all right to be able to talk about that:
(mumbles mimicking conversation) ...young.....kid...that’s cool...(more mumbling) You know.
Then.
Well here's what I mean. The word "homosexual" - many people who are not in the position to have to decide this, they wonder:
(puts on voice) "Is homosexuality... is it Normal? Is it Natural? I ask you. Is it Normal or Natural? Is it unnatural and abnormal?"
Now those two words seem to revolve around it. Now let's look at those words for what they are...
"Natural." Hey. Means "according to nature." Is it according to nature? Well....Probably not in the strictest sense because nature didn't presuppose it. Nature only gave us one set of sexual apparatus. Girl's got something for the guys, guy's got something for the girls.
As it is now, a homosexual is forced to "Share" the apparatus that the opposite sex is using on this person. Certainly if nature were in command there'd be two sets of goodies. So nature was not ready. We leaped past nature again in our sociological development, Way down the road ahead of nature.
Is it normal? Normal? Well what's "normal?" Well, let's see.. if you're standing in a room, stripped, and it's dark, (speaks faster) and you're hugging a person and loving them and rubbing them up and down and they're rubbing you and you're rubbing together, and suddenly the light goes on and it's the same sex, you've been trained to go
(long, loud prolonged scream)
But it felt Okayyy.... So maybe it was normal without being natural.
Saturday, 7 November 2009
317: Cheers - Boys in the Bar, 1983
Cheers
Boys in the Bar
27 January 1983
Writers: David Isaacs and Ken Levine
When Sam publicly supports an old teammate who has come out of the closet, Norm and the gang are afraid that "Cheers" will become a "gay bar”.
This particular episode was nominated for a 1983 Writers Emmy Award, continuing the trend of the last three years of unsuccessful nominations for gay-themed sitcom episodes. It did win a Writers Guild Award for Best Comic Episode. The episode was also recognised by the gay community, winning won a Media Award from AGLA (Alliance for Gay and Lesbian Artists), but not GLAAD, as many websites report, since GLAAD Media Awards didn’t exist until 1990, taking over from AGLA.
Here’s a memoir about writing this episode by Ken Levine
http://kenlevine.blogspot.com/2008/07/cheers-episode-im-still-writing-in-my.html
This episode certainly offers a variety of homosexuals. First off there’s Tom, who is actually a minimal and inoffensive character, but as a professional baseball player he embodies the ideal of all-American manliness. You’ll remember the homosexual in “All in the Family” was a former professional sportsman as well, for the same reason of overturning common prejudice. As in “All in the Family”, there’re also some faux-gays, straight characters whose appearance and behaviour leads others to think they’re gay. In this case we get assorted chaps with moustaches, leather vests, and a penchant for hugging – rather early 80s, unlike the flouncy aesthete of the early 70s. Finally, you get the two hidden gays, mingling with and indistinguishable from the regulars until the episode’s final gag.
So the regulars in the bar have the same function as Archie, humorously spouting common prejudices and bigoted opinions and making themselves look slightly daft. A few mild sissy impressions and ludicrous obsessing about ferns get laughs from the audience. Unlike “All in the Family”, this episode has something of a journey, putting principal character Sam under the moral microscope. Sam learns to accept his friend, realising that homosexuality is nothing to be ashamed and subsequently finds the strength to stand up for these principles. The rest of the bar are buffoons, embodying the worst impulses, who do become a rampaging mob, at one point. It is commercial rather than social fears that threaten to sway Sam.
Underlying the regular’s behaviour is the assumption that gays are a separate community, who are not a part of their world. A gay bar is implicitly not the same as their bar. Of course this a progression in acceptance since an episode of “Maude” in 1977 about a community’s attempt to close down a gay bar. For all of the horror of the regulars, there’s little actual mockery of homosexuals, only comic exaggeration of what it means to be a typical manly guy in a bar with other normal guys.
Carla’s line is a reference to a famous incident when disgraced baseball player Shoeless Joe Jackson was leaving the courthouse during his trial and a young boy begged of him, "Say it ain't so, Joe,"
“Cheers would have other gay-themed episodes. Harvey Fierstein would later appear in as "Mark Newberger", Rebecca's old high school sweetheart who is gay. In one episode Norm would pretend to be a gay decorator to get work. Ehe final episode included a gay man who gets into trouble with his boyfriend after agreeing to pose as Diane's husband.
Ted Danson: Sam Malone
Shelley Long: Diane Chambers
Rhea Perlman: Carla
George Wendt: Norm
John Ratzenberger: Cliff
Nicholas Colasanto: Coach
Alan Autry: Tom Kenderson
Shannon Sullivan: Reporter 1
John Bluto: Reporter 2
Wesley Thompson: Photographer
Jack Knight: Jack
Part 1
Part 2
Part 3
(Sam’s old baseball teammate Tom Kenderson has written his autobiography, “Catcher’s Mask” which Sam is promoting in his bar. Sam hasn’t read the book, but is sure it will be a warm, exciting reminder of the days of baseball and womanising they shared. Dianne starts to speed-read the book. Coach reminisces over all the pranks Tom played on him. There are a small number of journalists sat in a semi-circle. Tom enters the bar. Carla throws herself at him and swoons. Sam draws Carla away then shakes hands. )
D: Sam! Did you get a chance to read my book last night?
S: Ah, no, no, I didn’t Tommy, I’m sorry
D: (concerned) I really wish you had.
S: Did you put in that flight to Kansas City, when we jumped in the garment bag with those two stewardesses?
T: Yeah, that’s there.. But…
S: Well, I’ll die happy. I’m fine. (pointing towards display) Let’s get you famous here, alright!
T: I don’t think you…
(Tom goes to display. The bar regulars come over to watch.)
T: Before we start here, (waves hand) Sam Malone, come up here! I’m sure you all remember Sam Malone. And if you don’t - chapters seven through nine.
(Sam comes up to Tom. Stands next to him and they put their arms across each other’s shoulders in manly-pally way)
S: No, no. I’m a business man now. I keep my clothes on. Mostly.
(They both laugh)
Reporter: So, you two were real close?
S: For three years we did everything together. I mean, no one ever saw us apart. (slight hug by Sam)
Reporter: Well, Sam! It must have been quite a Shock for you when Tom wrote about coming out of the closet.
(brief look of shock, and Sam casually shuffles out from their shared arm contact)
S: (laughing to stay in control) Oh, oh. You mean, ha, you mean in Detroit? When I was with the waitress, and he came out of the closet and was wearing . . . a… (serious) That’s not what you’re talking about, is it?
(pause.)
Norm: Yikes!
(Bar regulars get up as one, not making eye contact with Sam, and walk to far end of bar in single file. Diane, sat at bar, looks on at Tom and Sam in concern, shakes head slightly).
(T and S suddenly in conversation ignoring everything, unaware photos being taken)
S: Is this some kind of joke, Tom?
T: I wanted you to read the book, Sam. It’s still hard for me to tell people from the old days.
Reporter: Sam? You said you two used to do Everything together?
S: (imperceptibly edging away from T) No, no. You misunderstood that. No! (laughing) As a matter of fact, people used to come up to me and say, Hey you know you two are best friends, yet you’re completely different!
(T is slightly upset, and has been looking away from S. D suddenly stands up and calls)
D: Sam! Sam, there’s an emergency in the back room! (pointing for him to come away)
S: What?
D: Erm, I…found holes in the pool table.
S: Oh, yeah, yeah. (flustered) Will you excuse me. Some Chick wants to see me, can’t get rid of them (!) You guys know how that is! (slaps back of male reporter) (walking to other end of bar, says loudly so all can hear) So honey, you can’t go in the back room without me?
D: (out of side of mouth) Shut up!
Carla: (standing looking up at T) Say it aint so, Tom? Say it aint so?
S: (walking into pool room) Thank you for getting me out of there before I made a complete ass out of myself.
D: I was fast, but you were faster.
S: It wasn’t my fault. Imean, He shouldda told me.
D: Sam! He told you to read the book!
S: Yeah, but…
D: He should have known you would have been spending the evening with a woman who thinks ‘Candide’ is a toenail polish.
S: I just can’t believe it! I mean, the guy was a Hound, Diane! He had women everywhere. We’d be on the road, we’d go into hotel lobbies, there’d be three, four women holding up kids!
D: (flicking through book) He covers that, he covers that.
S: Where?
D: Here, here, in this paragraph right here. (hands book to S) You want me to read it?
S: No, no, I’ll read it. Right there?
D: Yes
S: “From the outside, my days in baseball seemed glorious. But the greater my fear became of my true sexuality, the more I compensated with typical Don Juan promiscuity”
D: Does that explain it?
S: I don’t know. I’ve only read it once.
D: He was denying who he was. He’s no longer doing that.
S: (Walks into corner, shaking head) I shouldda known. I remember sitting in a piano bar with him, and he requested a Show tune.
(D looks at bemusement at this comment. S sits down pondering. D comes over to him to comfort him)
D: Sam, I do understand why you’re upset. You’re afraid that now people will think you’re
(S suddenly leaps up)
S: No, I’m not upset! I’m not upset. It’s just that – Guys should be Guys! Diane. That’s all.
(Walks away. D follows)
D: Sam, look. Your friend Tom’s out there. He needs your support now more than ever before. He really hasn’t changed. He’s still the same gay you used to tinkle off balconies with.
S: (nostalgically) Boy, the world was a lot simpler then.
(T walks into doorway of poolroom. Knocks to announce himself, coughs)
T: Sam, sorry about all this. See, I thought you’d read the book, and everything was cool. Look, I don’t want to cause you any more problem so I’m just gonna take off, okay.
(turns around, makes thumbs-up at Sam, and walks out. Beat. S and D glance. Beat)
S: (Mutters) Damn it! (chases after him and D follows)
T: (On stairway to leave) Thanks a lot everybody. Nice talking to y’all again.
Coach: (Sadly) So long, Tommy.
S: (from far end of bar)Tom! You still a gin and tonic man?
D: Way to go, Mayday.
S: (walking over) I make ’em the way you like ‘em. On the house. Coach.
T: (shaking hands again)Thanks a lot, Sam.
Photographer: Hey listen. Can we get a couple more shots of you guys?
S: Yeah, sure. You bet.
T: I appreciate this, Sam.
S: Well, you didn’t dump me when I had a drinking problem.
T: Ah sure I did. You were just passed out at the time.
(two laugh and wrap arm across each others shoulders for photograph)
N: Pardon me pal. Where are these photos gonna run?
Photographer: I dunno. Mostly local papers.
N: Uh-oh.
Regular: What’s the matter?
N: Same things gonna happen to Cheers that happened to Vito’s Pub.
Regulars (in chorus) Uh-oh!
(Sam overhears and slight expression of concern on face as last photo is taken)
END OF PART ONE
(discussion about Sam feeling proud about what he did)
S: Hey Norm? What was that you said yesterday when they were taking pictures, about Vito’s Pub?
N: It’s nothing. Don’t worry about it.
S: Talk to me, Norm.
(Norm sighs. Cliff comes over)
Cliff: Norm, I think it’s best he hears it from us. Go ahead, tell him the story.
N: Alright, you heard of Vito’s Pub.
S: Yeah. It’s a gay bar.
N: It didn’t used to be. It used to be a Great bar. I hung out there myself.
Coach: Wow, what a story Norm! (Sam pulls coach back)
N: I’m not finished.
Coach: There’s more!
N: One night Vito lets a gay group hold a meeting in the back room, right? Gays for…the Metric System or something? Story gets in the newspaper. Gets a lot of attention. Next thing you know Vito’s Pub turns into
(effeminate pronunciation) Vito’s Pub! All the regulars left, Sammy! Out went the oars and the moose-heads, in came plants and ferns. (shudders) Ferns! I just don’t want that to happen to Cheers, is all.
S: I don’t believe that stuff. Bars don’t turn gay overnight.
N: You don’t have to believe me. I have scientific proof. Cliff?
Cliff: It happened.
N: See!
(Sam mouths “What?” in exasperation)
D: You’re talking about them like they’re were ogres. The fact of the matter is, there are gay people in this bar all the time.
N: Whaaat? No way. I haven’t seen a gay guy in here in ages.
D: I see, so you can spot a gay person?
N: A mile away
D: And there are none in here right now?
N: (Gets up and looks around) Oooh. Noop! Looks like a straight crowd to me. (sits back down) Too ugly to be gay. Too ugly to be out.
D: Well, I wasn’t going to say anything, but you’ve gone so far in proving you’re open-minded, Norman. There are two homosexual gentlemen in this bar at the moment
Regular: C’mon. get outta here!
D: They told me they were gay. They told me they appreciated what Sam had done. That’s right guys. They’re here right now. And you don’t even know who they are.
(Regulars start turning about, looking around slowly)
Regular: Hah-ha! Nah! She’s kidding. Everybody here checks out alright
N: I dunno. It occurs to me that….CLIFF! hasn’t had a date in quite some time.
Regular: Ah-huh! (points accusing finger) That’s right.
Cliff: Oh. Oh yeah, Norm? well how come we’ve never seen this Vera you’re allegedly married to? Huh?
(Two men come to opposite end of bar)
Guy: Could we have a couple of beers please?
S: You bet.
(Regulars look askance
Cliff: (muttering alarmed) Patty-cake alert!
Guy: Hey, you’re Sam Malone?
S: Right
Guy: Yeah, yeah, I saw your picture in the paper this morning. Can’t wait to read that book
(Regulars all huddled in suspicious group looking on)
Guy: I’m not much of a baseball fan but that sounds interesting
S: Yeah, should be pretty good.
Guy: Listen, could we have light beers please.
N: (raising hands above shoulders as though to say any further argument) Light beer.
(Regulars, shuffle and mumbles, case closed)
Guy: Thanks (take beers away)
Coach: (whispering)Sam, those guys look okay to me.
S: (directed down bar) They Are okay, Coach
Cliff: Yeah, well, maybe we are a little off base here, Norm
Regular: Hey look, let’s test ‘em out.
Regular: I got an idea – (shouts) Look at the Bagonzas on that babe!
(Two men very involved in each other’s conversation at table pay no interest)
D: Oh this is medieval (!)
Cliff: Hey, Jack, change the channel. Should be about time for the Benito-Vennito bout!
Regular: Yeah should be a bloodbath!
(two guys not listening)
D: (puts on dopey voice) Uh, they’re not watching! Let’s string ‘em up!
Carlo: So, what we gonna do about these guys, huhn?
D: Carla! You’re not prejudiced against gay are you?
Carla: I'm not exactly crazy about them. I mean I get enough competition from women. I'm telling you, if guys keep coming out of the closet, there isn't going to be anybody left to date and I'm going to have to start going out with girls. (looks at Diane) Ewww.
D: Carla, you don’t have to worry about me. I like my dates a little more masculine than you. Not much. But a little.
S: I can’t believe you guys are making such a fuss over two guys walking into a bar.
(Another man enters the bar, and the two men each give him a welcoming hug.)
Cliff: Patty-cake!
Regular: (aghast) It’s an orgy!
N: (agitated) Ferns! Sammy, we’re talking ferns!
D: You! Come on! I’ve seen you guys hug.
N: Yeah but we hate it.
Regular: (pointedly) Say Cliff. I haven’t been to Clancy’s in a while. That still as nice a place as it used to be?
Cliff: I don’t know Jack, I haven’t been there in a while myself.
Regular: C’mon let’s go on over there.
S: Give me a break! You guys are kidding right?
N: Sammy, we’ll just come back in a couple of weeks. And see if Cheers is the still the kind of bar where a single woman can be assured of being harassed and hit on.
S: Hey. Get back here! All of you, right now!
(Regulars come back sheepishly)
S: You mean to tell me, that you guys are baling out on me?
Regular: Sam, I’m telling you, within a month there’s gonna be wild music and guys dancing and exchanging phone numbers.
D: You know, Sam, you’ve got some really great friends here. You’ve gone out of your way to make a bar where customers can feel like they belong, part of a family. And now they’re walking out on you.
(Regulars cries of protest, amidst which can be heard: We don’t want them on our patch. Three men at table aware of hub-bub)
D: Quiet! Perhaps we should step into the back room. Anyone having something Intelligent to say, can follow me.
(D walks toward pool room. No-one moves. D turns around)
D: Fine! Anyone with a two-bit opinion.
(Regulars, Coach, Sam and Carla all trail into pool room with much noise)
Cliff: Sammy, Sammy, look I’ve got a simple solution to this whole problem. You just go up the guys and politely ask them to leave. I mean, everything is back to normal.
(general agreement from Regulars)
D: Sam! Would never do that. Would you, Sam?
(S on the spot, is deliberating. D comes over)
D: Oh no!
S: I’m not sure. These guys are my regulars. If I lose my regulars I lose my bar. Now if single women stop coming in here I have no reason to live.
(general agreement from Regulars. Carla steps up)
Carla: No emotional appeal here, Sam. This is a purely intellectual argument. You let this bar go gay, you’re going to have to hire male waitresses. (muttered disapproval from Regulars) That means I’m out on the street. And I’m not going to be able to feed little Sammy Tortelli (cradles pregnancy bump)
(Norm gets up)
N: Alright, we’re all agreed then. Sammy tells these guys to leave. We don’t go to Clancy’s? Am I right Sam?
S: (mumbles in defeat) Alright. Alright (begins to walk back to bar)
D: Sam!
S: Just leave me alone. I’m running a business here. (come back to D) What do you think I should say to them?
D: Oh well, it’s very simple. You just walk up and say, Hello, we’re a group of snivelling bigots, and, er, we don’t care for your kind.
Cliff: That’s good.
Regular: I like that
(all follow Sam behind back to bar. Sam walks over to three men on his own, as all the regulars hover on other side)
S: Hi fellas.
Guy: Hi Sam. What’s going on?
S: I got a little bit of a problem, maybe you can help me out? Ah. You see I’m the owner of this bar, and
Guy: Yeah, we know, we read the article in the newspaper.
S: Oh yeah, right.
Guy: That took a lot of guts.
It really did
Yeah
Guy: So what’s your problem.
S: As a matter of fact I don’t have a problem. Coach, get these guys a beer on the house.
(S walks back behind the bar, through the Regulars who are disapproving)
N: What’s the matter, Sammy, chickening out on us?
Cliff: Yeah, Sammy, Sammy, Sammy, I thought you had more character than that.
S: Hey listen. Those guys are staying. Anyone else wants to leave that’s fine.
N: Okay, Sam, you know what kind of bar this could turn into.
S: It’s not going to turn into the kind of bar that I have to throw people out of.
D: That was the noblest preposition you’ve ever dangled.
(Sam goes into office. Diane goes into pool room. Regulars suddenly hatch scheme and pretend the bar is closing early, ushering the three guys out. Sam and Diane come back in surprised. The regulars come back in whooping.)
N: We just got rid of your friends, Diane.
Cliff: It was all Normy’s idea
D: Norman, I think there’s something you should know about those guys. They’re not gay. In fact one of them tried to hit on me tonight.
Regular: Whut? But you said they were.
D: I said there were two gay men in the bar. I didn’t say who they were. They, along with myself, have had a wonderful time watching you make complete Idiots of yourselves. Yeah, the guys I was talking about are still here. (D walks off.) Right guys?
Two guys who’ve been in the background of the Regulars all evening: Right!
Both lean in and kiss a shocked Norm on his cheeks, then rest their faces on his shoulder and look doefully up at him
N: (points to guy on left) Better than Vera.
Boys in the Bar
27 January 1983
Writers: David Isaacs and Ken Levine
When Sam publicly supports an old teammate who has come out of the closet, Norm and the gang are afraid that "Cheers" will become a "gay bar”.
This particular episode was nominated for a 1983 Writers Emmy Award, continuing the trend of the last three years of unsuccessful nominations for gay-themed sitcom episodes. It did win a Writers Guild Award for Best Comic Episode. The episode was also recognised by the gay community, winning won a Media Award from AGLA (Alliance for Gay and Lesbian Artists), but not GLAAD, as many websites report, since GLAAD Media Awards didn’t exist until 1990, taking over from AGLA.
Here’s a memoir about writing this episode by Ken Levine
http://kenlevine.blogspot.com/2008/07/cheers-episode-im-still-writing-in-my.html
This episode certainly offers a variety of homosexuals. First off there’s Tom, who is actually a minimal and inoffensive character, but as a professional baseball player he embodies the ideal of all-American manliness. You’ll remember the homosexual in “All in the Family” was a former professional sportsman as well, for the same reason of overturning common prejudice. As in “All in the Family”, there’re also some faux-gays, straight characters whose appearance and behaviour leads others to think they’re gay. In this case we get assorted chaps with moustaches, leather vests, and a penchant for hugging – rather early 80s, unlike the flouncy aesthete of the early 70s. Finally, you get the two hidden gays, mingling with and indistinguishable from the regulars until the episode’s final gag.
So the regulars in the bar have the same function as Archie, humorously spouting common prejudices and bigoted opinions and making themselves look slightly daft. A few mild sissy impressions and ludicrous obsessing about ferns get laughs from the audience. Unlike “All in the Family”, this episode has something of a journey, putting principal character Sam under the moral microscope. Sam learns to accept his friend, realising that homosexuality is nothing to be ashamed and subsequently finds the strength to stand up for these principles. The rest of the bar are buffoons, embodying the worst impulses, who do become a rampaging mob, at one point. It is commercial rather than social fears that threaten to sway Sam.
Underlying the regular’s behaviour is the assumption that gays are a separate community, who are not a part of their world. A gay bar is implicitly not the same as their bar. Of course this a progression in acceptance since an episode of “Maude” in 1977 about a community’s attempt to close down a gay bar. For all of the horror of the regulars, there’s little actual mockery of homosexuals, only comic exaggeration of what it means to be a typical manly guy in a bar with other normal guys.
Carla’s line is a reference to a famous incident when disgraced baseball player Shoeless Joe Jackson was leaving the courthouse during his trial and a young boy begged of him, "Say it ain't so, Joe,"
“Cheers would have other gay-themed episodes. Harvey Fierstein would later appear in as "Mark Newberger", Rebecca's old high school sweetheart who is gay. In one episode Norm would pretend to be a gay decorator to get work. Ehe final episode included a gay man who gets into trouble with his boyfriend after agreeing to pose as Diane's husband.
Ted Danson: Sam Malone
Shelley Long: Diane Chambers
Rhea Perlman: Carla
George Wendt: Norm
John Ratzenberger: Cliff
Nicholas Colasanto: Coach
Alan Autry: Tom Kenderson
Shannon Sullivan: Reporter 1
John Bluto: Reporter 2
Wesley Thompson: Photographer
Jack Knight: Jack
Part 1
Part 2
Part 3
(Sam’s old baseball teammate Tom Kenderson has written his autobiography, “Catcher’s Mask” which Sam is promoting in his bar. Sam hasn’t read the book, but is sure it will be a warm, exciting reminder of the days of baseball and womanising they shared. Dianne starts to speed-read the book. Coach reminisces over all the pranks Tom played on him. There are a small number of journalists sat in a semi-circle. Tom enters the bar. Carla throws herself at him and swoons. Sam draws Carla away then shakes hands. )
D: Sam! Did you get a chance to read my book last night?
S: Ah, no, no, I didn’t Tommy, I’m sorry
D: (concerned) I really wish you had.
S: Did you put in that flight to Kansas City, when we jumped in the garment bag with those two stewardesses?
T: Yeah, that’s there.. But…
S: Well, I’ll die happy. I’m fine. (pointing towards display) Let’s get you famous here, alright!
T: I don’t think you…
(Tom goes to display. The bar regulars come over to watch.)
T: Before we start here, (waves hand) Sam Malone, come up here! I’m sure you all remember Sam Malone. And if you don’t - chapters seven through nine.
(Sam comes up to Tom. Stands next to him and they put their arms across each other’s shoulders in manly-pally way)
S: No, no. I’m a business man now. I keep my clothes on. Mostly.
(They both laugh)
Reporter: So, you two were real close?
S: For three years we did everything together. I mean, no one ever saw us apart. (slight hug by Sam)
Reporter: Well, Sam! It must have been quite a Shock for you when Tom wrote about coming out of the closet.
(brief look of shock, and Sam casually shuffles out from their shared arm contact)
S: (laughing to stay in control) Oh, oh. You mean, ha, you mean in Detroit? When I was with the waitress, and he came out of the closet and was wearing . . . a… (serious) That’s not what you’re talking about, is it?
(pause.)
Norm: Yikes!
(Bar regulars get up as one, not making eye contact with Sam, and walk to far end of bar in single file. Diane, sat at bar, looks on at Tom and Sam in concern, shakes head slightly).
(T and S suddenly in conversation ignoring everything, unaware photos being taken)
S: Is this some kind of joke, Tom?
T: I wanted you to read the book, Sam. It’s still hard for me to tell people from the old days.
Reporter: Sam? You said you two used to do Everything together?
S: (imperceptibly edging away from T) No, no. You misunderstood that. No! (laughing) As a matter of fact, people used to come up to me and say, Hey you know you two are best friends, yet you’re completely different!
(T is slightly upset, and has been looking away from S. D suddenly stands up and calls)
D: Sam! Sam, there’s an emergency in the back room! (pointing for him to come away)
S: What?
D: Erm, I…found holes in the pool table.
S: Oh, yeah, yeah. (flustered) Will you excuse me. Some Chick wants to see me, can’t get rid of them (!) You guys know how that is! (slaps back of male reporter) (walking to other end of bar, says loudly so all can hear) So honey, you can’t go in the back room without me?
D: (out of side of mouth) Shut up!
Carla: (standing looking up at T) Say it aint so, Tom? Say it aint so?
S: (walking into pool room) Thank you for getting me out of there before I made a complete ass out of myself.
D: I was fast, but you were faster.
S: It wasn’t my fault. Imean, He shouldda told me.
D: Sam! He told you to read the book!
S: Yeah, but…
D: He should have known you would have been spending the evening with a woman who thinks ‘Candide’ is a toenail polish.
S: I just can’t believe it! I mean, the guy was a Hound, Diane! He had women everywhere. We’d be on the road, we’d go into hotel lobbies, there’d be three, four women holding up kids!
D: (flicking through book) He covers that, he covers that.
S: Where?
D: Here, here, in this paragraph right here. (hands book to S) You want me to read it?
S: No, no, I’ll read it. Right there?
D: Yes
S: “From the outside, my days in baseball seemed glorious. But the greater my fear became of my true sexuality, the more I compensated with typical Don Juan promiscuity”
D: Does that explain it?
S: I don’t know. I’ve only read it once.
D: He was denying who he was. He’s no longer doing that.
S: (Walks into corner, shaking head) I shouldda known. I remember sitting in a piano bar with him, and he requested a Show tune.
(D looks at bemusement at this comment. S sits down pondering. D comes over to him to comfort him)
D: Sam, I do understand why you’re upset. You’re afraid that now people will think you’re
(S suddenly leaps up)
S: No, I’m not upset! I’m not upset. It’s just that – Guys should be Guys! Diane. That’s all.
(Walks away. D follows)
D: Sam, look. Your friend Tom’s out there. He needs your support now more than ever before. He really hasn’t changed. He’s still the same gay you used to tinkle off balconies with.
S: (nostalgically) Boy, the world was a lot simpler then.
(T walks into doorway of poolroom. Knocks to announce himself, coughs)
T: Sam, sorry about all this. See, I thought you’d read the book, and everything was cool. Look, I don’t want to cause you any more problem so I’m just gonna take off, okay.
(turns around, makes thumbs-up at Sam, and walks out. Beat. S and D glance. Beat)
S: (Mutters) Damn it! (chases after him and D follows)
T: (On stairway to leave) Thanks a lot everybody. Nice talking to y’all again.
Coach: (Sadly) So long, Tommy.
S: (from far end of bar)Tom! You still a gin and tonic man?
D: Way to go, Mayday.
S: (walking over) I make ’em the way you like ‘em. On the house. Coach.
T: (shaking hands again)Thanks a lot, Sam.
Photographer: Hey listen. Can we get a couple more shots of you guys?
S: Yeah, sure. You bet.
T: I appreciate this, Sam.
S: Well, you didn’t dump me when I had a drinking problem.
T: Ah sure I did. You were just passed out at the time.
(two laugh and wrap arm across each others shoulders for photograph)
N: Pardon me pal. Where are these photos gonna run?
Photographer: I dunno. Mostly local papers.
N: Uh-oh.
Regular: What’s the matter?
N: Same things gonna happen to Cheers that happened to Vito’s Pub.
Regulars (in chorus) Uh-oh!
(Sam overhears and slight expression of concern on face as last photo is taken)
END OF PART ONE
(discussion about Sam feeling proud about what he did)
S: Hey Norm? What was that you said yesterday when they were taking pictures, about Vito’s Pub?
N: It’s nothing. Don’t worry about it.
S: Talk to me, Norm.
(Norm sighs. Cliff comes over)
Cliff: Norm, I think it’s best he hears it from us. Go ahead, tell him the story.
N: Alright, you heard of Vito’s Pub.
S: Yeah. It’s a gay bar.
N: It didn’t used to be. It used to be a Great bar. I hung out there myself.
Coach: Wow, what a story Norm! (Sam pulls coach back)
N: I’m not finished.
Coach: There’s more!
N: One night Vito lets a gay group hold a meeting in the back room, right? Gays for…the Metric System or something? Story gets in the newspaper. Gets a lot of attention. Next thing you know Vito’s Pub turns into
(effeminate pronunciation) Vito’s Pub! All the regulars left, Sammy! Out went the oars and the moose-heads, in came plants and ferns. (shudders) Ferns! I just don’t want that to happen to Cheers, is all.
S: I don’t believe that stuff. Bars don’t turn gay overnight.
N: You don’t have to believe me. I have scientific proof. Cliff?
Cliff: It happened.
N: See!
(Sam mouths “What?” in exasperation)
D: You’re talking about them like they’re were ogres. The fact of the matter is, there are gay people in this bar all the time.
N: Whaaat? No way. I haven’t seen a gay guy in here in ages.
D: I see, so you can spot a gay person?
N: A mile away
D: And there are none in here right now?
N: (Gets up and looks around) Oooh. Noop! Looks like a straight crowd to me. (sits back down) Too ugly to be gay. Too ugly to be out.
D: Well, I wasn’t going to say anything, but you’ve gone so far in proving you’re open-minded, Norman. There are two homosexual gentlemen in this bar at the moment
Regular: C’mon. get outta here!
D: They told me they were gay. They told me they appreciated what Sam had done. That’s right guys. They’re here right now. And you don’t even know who they are.
(Regulars start turning about, looking around slowly)
Regular: Hah-ha! Nah! She’s kidding. Everybody here checks out alright
N: I dunno. It occurs to me that….CLIFF! hasn’t had a date in quite some time.
Regular: Ah-huh! (points accusing finger) That’s right.
Cliff: Oh. Oh yeah, Norm? well how come we’ve never seen this Vera you’re allegedly married to? Huh?
(Two men come to opposite end of bar)
Guy: Could we have a couple of beers please?
S: You bet.
(Regulars look askance
Cliff: (muttering alarmed) Patty-cake alert!
Guy: Hey, you’re Sam Malone?
S: Right
Guy: Yeah, yeah, I saw your picture in the paper this morning. Can’t wait to read that book
(Regulars all huddled in suspicious group looking on)
Guy: I’m not much of a baseball fan but that sounds interesting
S: Yeah, should be pretty good.
Guy: Listen, could we have light beers please.
N: (raising hands above shoulders as though to say any further argument) Light beer.
(Regulars, shuffle and mumbles, case closed)
Guy: Thanks (take beers away)
Coach: (whispering)Sam, those guys look okay to me.
S: (directed down bar) They Are okay, Coach
Cliff: Yeah, well, maybe we are a little off base here, Norm
Regular: Hey look, let’s test ‘em out.
Regular: I got an idea – (shouts) Look at the Bagonzas on that babe!
(Two men very involved in each other’s conversation at table pay no interest)
D: Oh this is medieval (!)
Cliff: Hey, Jack, change the channel. Should be about time for the Benito-Vennito bout!
Regular: Yeah should be a bloodbath!
(two guys not listening)
D: (puts on dopey voice) Uh, they’re not watching! Let’s string ‘em up!
Carlo: So, what we gonna do about these guys, huhn?
D: Carla! You’re not prejudiced against gay are you?
Carla: I'm not exactly crazy about them. I mean I get enough competition from women. I'm telling you, if guys keep coming out of the closet, there isn't going to be anybody left to date and I'm going to have to start going out with girls. (looks at Diane) Ewww.
D: Carla, you don’t have to worry about me. I like my dates a little more masculine than you. Not much. But a little.
S: I can’t believe you guys are making such a fuss over two guys walking into a bar.
(Another man enters the bar, and the two men each give him a welcoming hug.)
Cliff: Patty-cake!
Regular: (aghast) It’s an orgy!
N: (agitated) Ferns! Sammy, we’re talking ferns!
D: You! Come on! I’ve seen you guys hug.
N: Yeah but we hate it.
Regular: (pointedly) Say Cliff. I haven’t been to Clancy’s in a while. That still as nice a place as it used to be?
Cliff: I don’t know Jack, I haven’t been there in a while myself.
Regular: C’mon let’s go on over there.
S: Give me a break! You guys are kidding right?
N: Sammy, we’ll just come back in a couple of weeks. And see if Cheers is the still the kind of bar where a single woman can be assured of being harassed and hit on.
S: Hey. Get back here! All of you, right now!
(Regulars come back sheepishly)
S: You mean to tell me, that you guys are baling out on me?
Regular: Sam, I’m telling you, within a month there’s gonna be wild music and guys dancing and exchanging phone numbers.
D: You know, Sam, you’ve got some really great friends here. You’ve gone out of your way to make a bar where customers can feel like they belong, part of a family. And now they’re walking out on you.
(Regulars cries of protest, amidst which can be heard: We don’t want them on our patch. Three men at table aware of hub-bub)
D: Quiet! Perhaps we should step into the back room. Anyone having something Intelligent to say, can follow me.
(D walks toward pool room. No-one moves. D turns around)
D: Fine! Anyone with a two-bit opinion.
(Regulars, Coach, Sam and Carla all trail into pool room with much noise)
Cliff: Sammy, Sammy, look I’ve got a simple solution to this whole problem. You just go up the guys and politely ask them to leave. I mean, everything is back to normal.
(general agreement from Regulars)
D: Sam! Would never do that. Would you, Sam?
(S on the spot, is deliberating. D comes over)
D: Oh no!
S: I’m not sure. These guys are my regulars. If I lose my regulars I lose my bar. Now if single women stop coming in here I have no reason to live.
(general agreement from Regulars. Carla steps up)
Carla: No emotional appeal here, Sam. This is a purely intellectual argument. You let this bar go gay, you’re going to have to hire male waitresses. (muttered disapproval from Regulars) That means I’m out on the street. And I’m not going to be able to feed little Sammy Tortelli (cradles pregnancy bump)
(Norm gets up)
N: Alright, we’re all agreed then. Sammy tells these guys to leave. We don’t go to Clancy’s? Am I right Sam?
S: (mumbles in defeat) Alright. Alright (begins to walk back to bar)
D: Sam!
S: Just leave me alone. I’m running a business here. (come back to D) What do you think I should say to them?
D: Oh well, it’s very simple. You just walk up and say, Hello, we’re a group of snivelling bigots, and, er, we don’t care for your kind.
Cliff: That’s good.
Regular: I like that
(all follow Sam behind back to bar. Sam walks over to three men on his own, as all the regulars hover on other side)
S: Hi fellas.
Guy: Hi Sam. What’s going on?
S: I got a little bit of a problem, maybe you can help me out? Ah. You see I’m the owner of this bar, and
Guy: Yeah, we know, we read the article in the newspaper.
S: Oh yeah, right.
Guy: That took a lot of guts.
It really did
Yeah
Guy: So what’s your problem.
S: As a matter of fact I don’t have a problem. Coach, get these guys a beer on the house.
(S walks back behind the bar, through the Regulars who are disapproving)
N: What’s the matter, Sammy, chickening out on us?
Cliff: Yeah, Sammy, Sammy, Sammy, I thought you had more character than that.
S: Hey listen. Those guys are staying. Anyone else wants to leave that’s fine.
N: Okay, Sam, you know what kind of bar this could turn into.
S: It’s not going to turn into the kind of bar that I have to throw people out of.
D: That was the noblest preposition you’ve ever dangled.
(Sam goes into office. Diane goes into pool room. Regulars suddenly hatch scheme and pretend the bar is closing early, ushering the three guys out. Sam and Diane come back in surprised. The regulars come back in whooping.)
N: We just got rid of your friends, Diane.
Cliff: It was all Normy’s idea
D: Norman, I think there’s something you should know about those guys. They’re not gay. In fact one of them tried to hit on me tonight.
Regular: Whut? But you said they were.
D: I said there were two gay men in the bar. I didn’t say who they were. They, along with myself, have had a wonderful time watching you make complete Idiots of yourselves. Yeah, the guys I was talking about are still here. (D walks off.) Right guys?
Two guys who’ve been in the background of the Regulars all evening: Right!
Both lean in and kiss a shocked Norm on his cheeks, then rest their faces on his shoulder and look doefully up at him
N: (points to guy on left) Better than Vera.
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