429: A Choice of Viewing on Television

ABC. 10.30 P.M. (1)
NOT TONIGHT, CLYDE
Two FBI agents decide to move in together. Edgar has a headache and Clyde burns the roast.
Edgar: Paul Lynde. Clyde: Charles Nelson Reilly

SARKY AND BITCH (2)
Amalgamated Megalomaniacs in association with B.E.N.T. Television presents the week-by-week story of those tough-talking, go-getting bum-kissing boys on the Nancy-Squad: It’s “Sarky and Bitch!” Starring Michael Double-Glazing and David Arsehole as Lieutenants Sarky and Bitch. This week’s story: “Cum in San Francisco”. Sorry, “Come In, San Francisco!”

TUESDAY RTV2 9.30 (3)
Andy Warhol's GARBAGE
Trevor and Kevin, two gay garage attendants near Doncaster, learn that they have been refused admission into the WRAC. 'Heady' Bob ,a transvestite AA man, who is saving up to have the Operation and join the RAC, stops by to tell them his tests at the Special Clinic are positive. They spend the afternoon in desultory conversation, ringing up the Speaking Clock.
"Superb. Masterful. Yummy." The Lancet
Rating: Odd

SATURDAY RTV2 3.00
BLOOD ON CAMP ISLAND (Frog-Rank)
Close male friendship between chaps and Japs in raw tale of eye-scratching and savage bitchery. By the director who made “Horseguards in Love”.
Rating: Gayish

SUNDAY RTVI 8.30
CAMPARET
Liza Minelli ("the toast of kings, the delight of queens") plays Christopher Isherwood, a character created by W. H. Auden. Also starring Joel Gay as the naughty man in the funny make-up. Set in the bitchy days of Berlin in the early thirties, this is a treat for everybody in their early thirties.
Rating: Fab

LITTLE HOMO ON THE PRAIRIE (4)
Little Homo is kidnapped by a band of Cherokee Indians. Homo seduces the Cherokee chief and they plan a marriage. But the nuptials are spoiled by Little Homo’s dad, who steals the boy back. In the ensuing action, Dad falls in love with Chief as well. Little Homo: Tatum O’Neal. Dad: Roman Gabriel. Chief: Merv Griffin.

RECTUMA
Japanese-made sci-fi epic about an atomic mutation, a gigantic walking rectum the size of the World Trade Center who gases and besmirches the country before being subdued by an army of homosexuals.

MEIN CAMP (5)
Ken Russell's story of how Hitler's homosexual love affair with Rommel loses him the war. Rommel is played by Rudolph Nureyev, and Montgomery by Peter Pears

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A round-up of gay-related gags from various TV guide parodies

(1) National Lampoon, February 1978
Edgar and Clyde at the FBI are of course J. Edgar Hoover and his close associate Clyde Tolson, and this plays off the long-standing rumours about the actual nature of their relationship, recently raised in 1978’s “The Private Files of J. Edgar Hoover. Paul Lynde and Charles Nelson Reilly are two rather camp American light entertainment actors

(2) “The Outer Limits” (written and performed by Nigel Planer and Peter Richardson), at The Comedy Store, 1979
“The Outer Limits” was the “Firesign Theatre”-inspired duo instrumental in the creation of alternative comedy, “The Comic Strip Presents” and “The Young Ones”. The bit above is actually the intro to a parody of close cop duo “Starsky and Hutch” (if you hadn’t guessed). For all that alternative comedy was about not indulging in the prejudices of old-fashioned comedy, this skit uses an awful lot of the milder slurs at the expense of the sensitive masculinity of the leads. The rest of it is just a parody of the shortcomings of Starsky and Hutch: the show’s senseless hyperkineticism, the character’s enthusiastic stupidity and emphatic stating of just how disgusted they are by crime to show how sensitive and intelligent they genuinely are. (Hitch-hiker’s Guide to the Galaxy fans may remember Shooty and Bang-Bang). The characters are just played as stereotypical brash Americans, but without any apparent gay mannerisms or camping it up.

(3) “The Rutland Dirty Weekend Book”, Eric Idle, 1976
A parody of Andy Warhol films, long renowned for their gay subject matter, here transferred to the banality of Enlish life rather than New York bohemia. Then a parody inspired by a rearrangement of the title of classic British WWII POW film “Camp on Blood Island” with some jokes about bitchy gays, Ken Russell films ("Women in Love"'s naked male wrestling), and the long-standing rumours about the sexual availability of the Horseguards.

(4) “This Week’s TV Programs”, by Gerald Sussman, with Danny Abelson, Tony Hendra, and Ted Mann - National Lampoon, December 1978
A parody at the expense of “Little House on the Prairie”. Tatum O’Neal was actually a girl, but the Macauley Culkin child star of the day. Merv Griffin was an American talk show host about whom there long-standing (how many times have I written that now?) gay rumours.

(5) "After Star Wars, What?”, Barry Took - Punch, 4 January 1978
A throwaway gag from a whole selection of silly future movies. Not much done with the idea of gay Nazis, and instead says more about perceptions of Ken Russell's pictures during the 1970s. Took demonstrates the same paucity of possible names who would be recognised as gay. Really, I mean, Peter Pears.

428: Computer Dating 3 - Kenny Everett

Starts 2.55 – 5.02 “The Kenny Everett Television Show”, March 3, 1983
Kenny Everett and Geoffrey Palmer

And by the early 1980s the set-up of a computer dating system accidentally setting up two straight men on the same date is a cliché that can be subverted with a surreal twist as in this sketch.

427: Computer Dating 2 - Robert Censoni

“Playboy”, May 1969
Robert Censoni

In this cartoon, almost contemporary with the last sketch, Censoni presents the standard late 1960s America homosexual – when not actually a man in drag. Overly dressed-up, fluttery-eyelashed, blithely smiling, pretty and blond. The idea of the homosexual with dyed-platinum-blond hair is very much the cliché of the times – lots of other Playboy cartoons in the 60s, the character portrayed by Rod Steiger in “No Way to Treat a Lady”, and the central character in the book of cartoons “My Son the Daughter” by Mort Drucker.

426: Computer Dating 1 - Dean Martin and Frank Sinatra

The Dean Martin Show
2 January 1969

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=h7Nr_n_55yQ

Hey kids, ever wished you could see Dean Martin and Frank Sinatra playing kinda gay. Today, your vaguely articulated whim is my command.

This sketch starts off with the pair disappointed to discover they’ve been matched up together, gradually accepting their compatibility, dancing together and then the cops come to dance them off stage.

This sketch is more about the two enjoying themselves together in front of an appreciative audience, which is the whole rat pack thing. Indeed, part of the “fun” is their bewilderment - as the characters in the sketch, these two internationally famous womanisers (“what do you consider most important in a date”: “38-24-28”) and also as the performers of the sketch - wondering “what the hell are we doing in this?”

If these were proper (comedic) actors these performances would be a lot more thought out. Instead you get the occasional lispiness moment from Dean. Sinatra does become more effeminate towards the end, particularly his reply ”If you don’t know then it won’t make any difference” to Dean’s “Why aren’t you a girl”.

Notice that it takes the audience a moment or two pick up on Dean’s “I can’t think straight” gag. Note also the “three children – one of each” line.

Frank Sinatra appeared on The Dean Martin Show on 2 January 1969 and 31 December 1970. Since a quick search shows that a large number of sitcoms had plot gimmicks about computer dating and a few chat shows and news programmes featured discussion of computer dating in 1969, I suspect this means computer dating was a current topic and that this sketch is therefore from the 1969 show. And what could be more extreme computer cock up than the possibility of two men dating each other

425: Pinklisting

Saturday Night Live, 9 November 1985

This sketch, in the first SNL episode of autumn 1985, is in the context of Rock Hudson’s death the previous month. To America’s shock, the long time heart throb and Hollywood leading man had announced on July 25, 1985 that he was suffering from AIDS contracted from homosexual encounters. Two and a half months later he died on 2 October 85. In the wake of Hudson’s revelation there was much concern that in his kissing scenes with his co-star Linda Evans on “Dallas” he might have transmitted AIDS to her. On Oct 31, 1985, the New York Times reported that “Because of the fear of AIDS among its members, the Screen Actors Guild is requiring the 7,000 producers and agents with whom it has contracts to notify performers in advance of any scenes that require open-mouth kissing. The guild has sent a letter describing such scenes as ‘a possible hazard to the health of actors in light of the lack of clear and consistent medical opinion as to how or in what manner this disease is communicated’.''

Supposedly the light falling into the pool was an accident and Sweeney’s panicked cry was genuine, but in the context of the sketch both make sense. If not the first episode, then this was one of the earliest episodes that Sweeney performed in. He had been a writer for the show for a number of years, and was already “out”, therefore becoming the first gay performer on the show. So here you have a gay man pretending to be gay, as stereotypes of masculine and gay behavior and interests are played off each other. Hence the Judy Garland headline, and occasional shrieking sissiness and effeminate mannerisms. Although it’s all in the aid of a larger sympathetic satirical point about being forced back into the closet.

Madonna as Melinda Zoomont
Randy Quaid as the Director
Terry Sweeney as Clint Weston
Joan Cusack as Make-Up Girl
Jon Lovitz as Censor

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Rolling Captions and Announcer: "In the early 1950's, a dark shadow descended upon Hollywood. Caught up in the mass-hysteria of the McCarthy era, the entertainment industry turned against its own, blacklisting innocent artists and craftsmen. Banned from their chosen occupations, these blacklisted individuals fell victim to hearsay, its ugly accomplice innuendo, and their unattractive sidekick, guilt by association. And now in 1985, Hollywood again is gripped by paranoia, this time provoked by the tragic AIDS outbreak. Actresses refused to do scenes with unknown actors. Gay actors are forced back into the closet, leading double lives, wearing wedding bands, riding motorcyles - living in fear that they will fall victim to: PINKLISTING"

[ dissolve to movie set, as actress Melinda Zoomont storms in ]

Melinda Zoomont (in a terrible stilted posh English actress accent): Art, are these the pages? Because if they are, it's all wrong. I thought the love scene with the new character was out?

Director: Sweetheart, we decided that we had to establish your relationship with Lionel, because four or five scripts down the line, you're gonna have his baby and he kidnaps you.

Melinda Zoomont: But I told you, I don't do love scenes with actors I don't know!

Director: Take five, everybody!

(Stagehands groan]

Melinda Zoomont: I hate that this is happening to me, because it places me in the role of the bitch. And I hate that, because I'm not a bitch.

Director: Melinda, Melinda.. no one thinks you're a bitch. You’re a professional. We all are. We've got a job to do. Now, you may not know Clint Weston, but I do. And I can tell you that there's not another more masculine, heterosexual actor on 24-hour call in this town!

Melinda Zoomont: Well.. maybe I'll do the scene - but not until I meet the man face-to-face.

[sound of motorcycle can be heard ]

Director: That sounds like Clint's Harley.

Clint Weston (appears, punching shoulders of other men in palsy fashion) : Damn those helmet laws - who needs 'em, huh? Heads up (as he throws helmet to stangehand)

[everyone is happy to see Clint as he enters the set, Clint shakes hands, give high-fives, almost goes to shake hand with female stangehand ]

Director: Hey, Clint! [ they shake hands ]

Clint Weston: (over emphatic, with stilted macho movements ala John Wayne, rolling shoulders pulling at shirt and adjusting belt buckle) How about the gazombas (cups hands) on that make-up girl, huh? Boy, I know the old wife wouldn't be pleased with that comment (flaunts wedding band on hand) , but hey - just because you're on a diet doesn't mean you can't look at the menu, right guys? [ notices Melinda ] Oh . . . uh . . . excuse me. Just a little guy talk there!

Director: Clint, this is Melinda Zoomont, your leading lady.

Melinda Zoomont: How do you do?

Clint Weston: Oh, how do you do? You don't have to introduce me to television's sexiest star!

Melinda Zoomont: Well, uh.. I think we're running a bit late. Shall we do the scene?

Director: Right you are, Melinda. We'll knock this off as soon as you get out of make-up, Clint.

Clint Weston: Okay, right-o! [approaches the make-up chair, sits down ] Hey, how about handing me the paper, huh? I want to check the stats on my Raiders. (on front page of paper held to audience away from him, headline reads: “Judy Garland Bio: Liza Unwanted" Clint flips papers around so he notices article). (in more effeminate emotional tones, clasping hands to face) Oh, my God! Why doesn't she leave the poor woman alone! (crying)

Make-Up Girl: Are you alright?

Clint Weston: (pulls himself together) Of course, I'm alright! It's just that Raiders secondary! Last week they leaked like a sieve

Make-Up Girl: Who's the secondary?

Clint Weston: Oh, uh.. those are the guys that, uh . . . go . . . uh, uh . . . both ways. [gets up, returns to the set ]

Director: Uh.. you got your dialogue?

Clint Weston: Uh.. yeah, yeah.

Director: Alright, come on over here, we'll just talk you through this. Okay, now, Clint, you propose a toast to your little scheme, you share a glass of wine, you gaze into each other's eyes, you kiss passionately . . . then you take off your clothes, and you get into the hot tub. Got it? Uh, can we hear that hot tub!

Stagehand: Hot tub!

[hot tub starts bubbling]

Director: That's 180° in there, so you two should be quite comfortable.

Clint Weston: Can you believe we're getting paid to do this!

Melinda Zoomont: Another day, another $10,000.

Clint Weston: [ laugh] (almost camply:) Stop it! We've got a scene to do!

Director: Could we get a censor in here? I've got a question about this kiss here?

Censor: [enters set ] Yeah, what can I do for you?

Director: Oh, Ted, hey how you doing? Uh, listen, Ted, how passionately can we make this kiss? Uh.. we got sweeps coming up, I need a little help here.

Censor: I tell you, there hasn't been much kissing lately, so.. just about anything is okay with us. Now, as long as we don't see any tongue; a little bulge in the cheek [ demonstrates ] or this, that's alright. But we can't see any of this (tongue waggling)..

Director: Okay. Thanks, Ted, I owe you one, buddy! Okay, let's rehearse this - Clint, Melinda, from the top! Alright, roll it.

Voice: Speed.

Voice: Sound.

Director: Action!

Melinda Zoomont: My husband has the same routine every day. If you follow my instructions, it should be child's play.

Clint Weston (huskier): Angel, I want you to know - I'm not just doing this for the money..

[a light falls from the set, crashing into the hot tub, Clint camply shrieks and panics ]

Melinda Zoomont: Wait a minute! You're gay!

Clint Weston: Yes, I'm gay! And now you all know. Art, you can fire me if you like, but I can't go on living a lie.

Director: Clint, I admire your guts. And I think you should know that.. I'm gay, too.

(All the other stagehands shout they are too, and two wrap their arms around each other)

Clint Weston: [ to Melinda ] Living out this little charade, you know, was not our choice. It was a matter of survival! But I suppose you wouldn't know anything about that!

Melinda Zoomont: Well.. actually.. I do have a confession to make. And I do understand you. [ long pause as she slowly stalks to centre stage, stand still, collects herself, then proclaims] I'm an intravenous drug user.

[everyone groans with disgust and horror]

Director (pats he comfortingly, understandingly): Well, shall we do the scene, then?

Melinda Zoomont: [ considering ] Alright.

Clint Weston: Wait a minute! No way am I gonna kiss an intravenous drug user! Get my agent! (charges off stage, his hand waggling high)

Director: Take five, everybody! Clint!

[As the camera pulls back the two stagehands with their arms around - one of whom I think is Anthony Michael Hall - begin kissing each other]

424: Killjoy Was Here 3

“National Lampoon”, March 1979
from “Letters from the Editors”

Sirs:

We’ve had just about enough of your childish “homo” jokes. You sneer and giggle and hurl your little barbs at us. We’re a part of this society. Medical science says we’re normal; the law says we’re entitled to every right and privilege that you are. We’re human, we’re American, we have feelings, and if you don’t leave us alone, we’re going to come over and fuck your dad.

The Queers,
All Over Everywhere, Even Iowa

423: Killjoy Was Here 2

Punch, 15 Decemeber 76
By J.E. Hinder

I'M SORRY, I'LL WRITE THAT AGAIN
(Members of the Students Union recently voted to pulp this year's Bristol University Rag Magazine because of its "sexist, racist and anti-homosexual jokes", But an alternative suggestion has been made. According to a Bristol Evening Post report, a "leaflet of explanation intended to soften the effect" of the offending material may possibly be inserted.)

Page 6. We apologise for a misleading statement concerning "the boy who stood on the burning deck / His a*** against the mast / Who swore he would not move an inch / Till Oscar Wilde had passed." The boy in question, after a teach-in with fin-de-siecle predecessors of the Gay Liberation Movement, entered into a meaningful, open-ended, in-house dialogue with Mr Wilde, reaching complete agreement. Later, he became a member of the Fabian Society and was responsible for many of the lighter-hearted passages in "Soviet Communism: A New Civilisation" by Sidney and Beatrice Webb.

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Why, it's Political Correctness Gone Mad! And a parody of Political Correctness Gone Mad as well. All in the mid-70s too. Though in those days it was "consciousness-raising" and "humourless bloody lefties! Can't take a bloody joke." Plus ca change . . .

422: Killjoy Was Here 1: Terry Scott On . . . Homosexuality?

“Scott on . . .“
The Sex War”, 9 October 1972
written by John Kane

The creature above appears in a screengrab from a documentary about changing attitudes to women in British sitcoms. When the credits mentioned that this brief scene was from the “Sex War” episode of "Scott on . . ", suddenly the nature of the bizarre creature in that middle class lounge amidst all those nice middle class ladies and giving Terry Scott a stern glare was revealed to me . A couple of notes in gay magazines of the times explains all. That oddity is Colin Jeavons playing a poof. It’s 1972 and flamboyantly (even bizarrely as in this instance) dressed camp homosexuals with feminine bouffant hairdos are the order of the day, in other words: “A POOF”. This is one of the reasons why Gay Lib members of that time were so irate, because this is how gay men were being portrayed on television. Writers for the few gay magazines, journals and newsletters of the time, “Jeremy”, “Lunch” and “Gay News” would mutter enviously over the fact that in America public campaigns by gay men seemed to have least some minimal effect. In the UK – nothing doing. But this episode appeared and then in the 28 October 1972 edition of “The Radio Times” a letter was printed written by actual, real homosexual men expressing their disapproval of this caricature fantasy. Oh, oh, the rejoicing!

421: Not Gay Pride 2

"Punch" 30 March 1983

AGITORY - The helpful guide for the Committed Reactionary.

"Anti-Gay Movement"

Don't be afraid to express your distaste and revulsion.

Badges available saying "Sod off to Sodom", and car stickers, "I'm proud to be normal". £6 per dozen.

Support wanted for Anti-Gay Pride Week.

SAE to Decency Society, Tunbridge Wells.

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Gay Prides now being enough of an event that a supposed counter movement by decency-loving conservatives can be a joke. Tunbridge Wells, because as the heart of middle England and the Tory homelands, it has been the origin of the stereotypical reactionary, silent majority letter-writer sign-off "Disgusted of Tunbrudge Wells.

420: Not Gay Pride 1

Two by the never knowingly upbeat and chipper Michael Heath

“Punch” 4 July 1979
A variant by Michael Heath on his earlier "Of course, I can remember when you could laugh at poofs in the street, for nothing." cartoon just to the right. Although it also occupies some of the same territory as the Ken Pyne cartoon here

“Punch” 9 March 1983
And this one speaks for itself