270: Fag Rock 5 - New York Dolls parody

You want decadence? I’ll give you decadence. Let me form a band.

It’s called Major Lips and the Peeholes. Major Lips is a huge bull dyke who plays electric dildo. The rest of the group is also female, except for the bass player, who no one is quite sure about, because he/she performs in a full butyl-rubber suit such as they wear in the Chemical Corp when detoxifying nerve gas. The other Peeholes perform topless and have their nipples made up to resemble tiny fanged mouths. The glass heels of their platform shoes contain live cockroaches, which slowly die during the evening.

OK. The band heralds its arrival by playing a loud tape of several people throwing up. Then, as slides of various afterbirths are projected onto a huge screen behind them, the Peeholes run onstage, grab their instruments and play an instrumental called "Beer Farts". Now it's time for the entrance of the lead: singer. The drummer does a roll and Major Lips plays her dildo, filling the auditorium with great amplified slush-slushes, and onto the stage prances a high-energy (he's a Leo) gay in Puerto Rican drag. He is called Diarrhea Montez. He looks like a cross between Judy Garland and Cesar Romero. And he has leprosy! So he comes running on, leaving little pieces of himself in a trail behind him, grabs the mike and shoves it up his ass! Yes, he actually sticks it right up the old chocolate factory! And. . . it turns out. . . this is how he sings! The band comes in behind him and, without ever removing the mike, he launches into the Peeholes' current top-ten smash, "Back Door Sheep". And his voice isn't bad!

But wait! They've only started! Before they leave the stage, they hurl dead cats into the audience, hawk phlegm at one another (while singing "Sister Mucus"), bite the heads off live chickens and murder three members of the audience! Now this is decadence!

--------

by Chris Miller
in “Playboy” December 1973

Chris Miller was hired to do this little piece by “Playboy” because he was making a name for himself at “National Lampoon”. He would later go on to co-write “Animal House”. In the editorial intro it’s made explicit that is intended as a parody of The New York Dolls. So, even more than the National Lampoon “Rim Shot” piece, the only perspective this takes is how far can you go in sexual gross-out. I don’t think William Burroughs would turn his nose up at this.