91: "The Burkiss Way" - 'Are You Being Served?' parody

The Burkiss Way, Radio 4, 1976 -80
Written by Andrew Marshall and David Renwick
From an unidentified episode, reprinted in “Bestseller! The Life and Death of Eric Pode of Croydon”, 1981

#1: Good mroning.
#2: Good mroning, can I help you?
#1: Yes, I’d like to see a male assistant please.
#2: I AM a male assistant, sir.
#1: Yes I know, but I want to see a MALE assistant – get the drift?
#2: Oh I see! Mr Different-person!
#3: Yes, Mr Same-person?
#2: Serve this gentleman would you?
#3: Certainly. Now sir, what is it you wish to purchase?
#1: A pair of socks please.
#3: I see, sir. And what size are you?
#1: To the right.
#3: I beg your pardon, sir?
#1: To the right.
#3: I . . . don’t think I’m quite with you yet, sir?
#1: Well put it this way, I incline towards the EASTERN hemisphere.
#3: What?
#1: I put all my eggs in the OFFSIDE basket
#3: ? ? ? Sir, how long did you want these socks?
#1: Well, until they wear out.
#3: I see. In that case I think we’ll put you on the this foot-measurer. Just give me your foot please.
#1: (COUGH COUGH)
#3: I beg your pardon
#1: (COUGH COUGH)?
#3: What did you do that for?
#1: I’m sorry, I thought you wanted me to cough.
#3: Sir, can we please confine this conversation to your feet.
#1: Very well.
#3: Now then, what colour?
#1: Pale blue.
#3: YOU KNOW FULL WELL I MEANT THE SOCKS!!!
#1: I was TALKING about the socks.
#3: Oh, sorry. The central heating’s not working. Now if you’d just slip them on, see how they feel . . .
#1: Hmm. They feel a bit LOOSE for a sock.
#3: (SIGH) They’re supposed to go on your feet, sir.
#1: Are they?
#3: Yes, sir.
#1: In that case why have they got elasticated tops on them?
#3: Because you don’t want them to fall down when it gets cold, do you?
#1: I should say not. All right, I’ll take them.
#3: Thank you, sir, there’s your receipt.
#1: Just a second. These are for gentlemen who . . . well . . to the LEFT, not the right at all.
#3: What on earth are you talking about?
#1: Look – that little sumbol there!
#3: That’s a percentage sign now will you get out of here you nasty, smutty little man and stop wasting my time!
#1: Oh all right then. Good mroning.
#3: Good mroning!