Written by Billy Wilder and I.A.L. Diamond
Robert Stephens as Sherlock Holmes
Colin Blakely as Dr. Watson
Clive Revill as Rogozhin
Tamara Toumanova as Madame Petrova
Not quite a spoof, but pushing at the boundaries of the Holmes canon with a sometimes sly wit (revisionist, if you like) and some outright comedy. As did several other Holmes films of the 70s, produced by people who loved the stories but also relished the opportunity to acknowledge certain facts of life impermissible in Victorian times. The bit I’m interested in here is a joke where even Holmes and Watson know how ambiguous their relationship seems to others. A variant on the sexual pretences of Billy Wilder’s earlier film“Some Like It Hot”. Also an early instance of some comic playing of gay by straight actors for plot reasons. Although the wholly unremembered “Gay Deceivers” about evading the American draft got there on film first. The only camp stereotypical swishing in this film is from the male ballet dancers who are a stretype unto themselves. After his confession Holmes does not alter one whit. Though the stout Watson is offended, and feels betrayed, which is also supposed to be funny. Illegality is not mentioned, since that would be a touch too far, it is merely a matter of scandal. Just as homosexuality has just recently been legalised in the previous few years, and so can be applied to Holmes in a mass market film without cries of disgrace and perversion. Though of course, homosexuality is ultimately disavowed. The use of the word pederast is rather a period detail, too.
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WATSON (voice-over)
It was not the first not the last time he tricked me like that. Normally, I was inclined to forgive him...But on one occasion, he did something that was so utterly unforgivable, that I would gladly have murdered him -- had it not been for my saintly disposition.
Holmes and Watson are invited to the Russian Ballet. There Holmes is introduced by the Russian manager, Rogozhin, to Petrova, an aging ballerina. Gradually it is made clear to Holmes that he has been selected by Petrova to father her child. Reminiscent of the legendary encounter between George Bernard Shaw and Isadora Duncan, Holmes is informed that he has been selected for reason of his intellect, after earlier attempts on Tolstoy, Nietzsche and Tchaikovsky.
HOLMES
Oh, you couldn't go wrong with Tschaikowski --
ROGOZHIN
We could -- and we did. It was catastrophe.
HOLMES
Why?
ROGOZHIN
You don't know? Because Tschaikowski -- how shall put it? Women not his glass of tea
Holmes attempts various arguments to disqualify himself. Meanwhile Watson has been entertaining himself at an after-ballet party with the ballet corp and suddenly pokes his head (with a flower tucked behind his ear) around the door. Brief chat ensues and then Watson departs.
ROGOZHIN
(to Holmes)
I repeat question. You find Madame attractive or no?
Holmes is still looking at the door where Watson exited, an idea forming in his mind.
HOLMES
(turning to Rogozhin)
Oh, I find her most attractive -- for a woman, that is.
ROGOZHIN
Then no problem.
HOLMES
Maybe a slight one. You see, I am not a free man.
ROGOZHIN
Not free? You are a bachelor.
HOLMES
A bachelor -- living with another bachelor -- for the last five years. Five very happy years.
ROGOZHIN
What is it you are trying to tell me?
HOLMES
I hoped I could avoid the subject. But some of us -- through a cruel caprice of Mother Nature --
ROGOZHIN
Get to point.
HOLMES
The point is that Tschaikowski is not an isolated case.
ROGOZHIN
You mean, you and Dr. Watson -- ?
(Holmes nods)
He is your glass of tea?
HOLMES
If you want to be picturesque about it.
PETROVA
(slightly agitated)
Chto on govorit? Pri chom tut Chaikovsky?
ROGOZHIN
On pederast.
PETROVA
(on her feet now; flaring)
Jescho odin? Eto stanovitsa odnoobrasno! Kakoi vi idiot!
HOLMES
(picking up his silk hat and cane)
Believe me, Madame, the loss is all mine. But I would prefer to disappoint you know than disappoint you in a gondola in Venice.
He takes her limp hand, kisses it. Then he crosses to the door.
HOLMES
(imitating Rogozhin's accent)
It would have been catastrophe.
Petrova berates Rogozhin in Russian escalating into screaming.
At the party Watson is dancing with a line of ballerinas. Holmes informs Watson he is going home but Watson refuses to leave. A shaken Rogozhin comes up to the buffet, pours himself a stiff drink of vodka. As he drinks his eyes follow the dancing Watson balefully. Watson spins off several of the girls, grabs another group. His ex-partners wind up close to Rogozhin. He whispers something to them. Their eyes widen, and they stare at Watson with disbelief. Watson again switches partners, and the first girls now whisper intensely to those who just left the floor. The same reaction. Watson, oblivious to all this, is whirling around with another set of girls. The whispering carries along a string of girls, until one of the ballerina tells one of the male dancers. His eyes light up as he cocks his head approvingly.
The other girls are dancing in a line with Watson, backwards and forwards. The male dancers come behind them. Before Watson knows what's happening, two men step forwards to replace the girls dancing on either side of Watson, and then each time the line dances backwards a further pair of men replaces the girl dancers, until Watson is dancing only with male ballet dancers, all still in their tights and make-up.
Watson dances enthusiastically with them until it gradually dawns on Watson that there is something wrong with this state of affairs. After some difficulty, he breaks away from them.
WATSON
Hold on! Just a moment!
He walks over to the massed ballerinas, who all look slightly disapprovingly disappointed. The girls shrink away at his approach, leaving Rogozhin.
WATSON
(bewildered)
What's going on? What happened to the girls?
ROGOZHIN
Why? Do you not prefer it this way?
WATSON
What way?
ROGOZHIN
You don't have to pretend. Mr. Holmes told us everything -- about you and him --
WATSON
About me and him?
ROGOZHIN
Come now, no need to be bashful. We are not bourgeois. Maybe with doctors and detectives is unusual -- but in ballet, is very usual.
WATSON
What is?
ROGOZHIN
Caprice of Mother Nature. Look at Pavel and Mischa and Boris and Dmitri --
Watson looks around at the boys in tights, who are standing in a half-circle, grinning at him. It is beginning to dawn on him
ROGOZHIN
-- And Ilya and Sergei --
(breaks off, rocks his hand back and forth)
Sergei -- half and half.
Rogozhin pours himself another vodka. Watson goes pale and looks a little weak on his legs, takes the glass away Rogozhin, then staggers slightly away to down it with a gulp and a slightly sick, horrified look.
END OF SCENE
WATSON AND HOLMES APARTMENT
WATSON
There you are, you wretch! You rotter! You blackguard! Of all the vile, unspeakable fabrications. What do you have to say for yourself?
HOLMES
From the sound of your footsteps, I gathered that you were not in a particularly amiable mood.
WATSON
(with renewed fury)
How could you do a dastardly thing like that to me? What the deuce were you thinking of?
HOLMES
Watson, you have my most abject apologies. But have you ever been cornered by a madwoman? It seemed like the only way to get out of it without hurting her feelings.
WATSON
What about my feelings? And my reputation? Do you realize the gravity of what you have done? The possible repercussions?
HOLMES
So there'll be a little gossip about you
in St. Petersburg...
WATSON
These things spread like wildfire. I can just hear those malicious whispers behind my back. I'll never be able to show my face in polite society... And if it ever got back to my old regiment -- you don't know the Fifth Northumberland Fusiliers -- they'll strike me off the rolls -- they'll cut off my pension...
HOLMES
Watson, you're running amok.
WATSON
Dishonored, disgraced, ostracized. What am I to do?
HOLMES
Well, for one thing, I'd get rid of that flower.
He points to the flower behind Watson's ear. Watson grabs the flower, hurls it into the fireplace.
WATSON
You may think this is funny, but we're both in the same boat. We must take desperate measures. We must stop this talk...
(a beat, then an idea)
Maybe if we got married...
HOLMES
Then they'd really talk...
WATSON
(starts pacing)
Obviously, we cannot continue to live under the same roof. We must move apart.
HOLMES
Of course, we can still see each other clandestinely -- on remote benches in Hyde Park, and in the waiting rooms of suburban railway stations --
WATSON
(a change in attitude; defiant)
The whole thing is ridiculous. We have nothing to hide.
HOLMES
That's what I've been trying to tell you.
WATSON
Let somebody start a rumor -- just one ugly word -- and we'll sue them for slander.
HOLMES
Nobody would dare. After all, you have an enviable record with the fair sex.
WATSON
Damn right. I can get women from three continents to testify for me. And you can get women to vouch for you, too -- can't you, Holmes?
No answer from Holmes. Watson is becoming a little concerned.
WATSON
Can you, Holmes?
HOLMES
Good night, Watson.
He starts toward his bedroom.
WATSON
Holmes, let me ask you a question --
(Holmes stops)
I hope I'm not being presumptuous – but there have been women in your life?
HOLMES
The answer is yes.
(a relieved sigh from Watson)
You're being presumptuous.
(Watson's face falls)
Good night.
WATSON (voice-over)
What, indeed, was his attitude toward women? Was there some secret he was holding back -- or was he just a thinking machine, incapable of any emotion?
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