Also, faggots aren't allowed to look at my ass while I'm onstage. That's why I keep movin' while I'm up here. Now if you don't know where the faggot section is, you gotta keep movin'. So if they do see it it's quick, and you switch. They don't get no long stare at your shit and start havin' imagination flowin' on my …I know when you're lookin' at it too, because my ass gets hot.
'Cause I'm afraid of gay people. Petrified. I have nightmares about gay people. I have this nightmare that I go to Hollywood and find out that Mr. T is a faggot. Really, he be walkin' up to people going "Hey boy! Hey boy! You look might cute in them jeans. Now come on over here, and fuck me up the asss. Come on! I'm gonna bend over now. Uungh! Aaagh! Hey boy, slow down. You're going to mess around and come too fast and make me get mad. I'll clench up my butt cheeks and rip your dick off."
You know, you know, you know who would be a funny faggot? Ralph Kramden and Ed Norton. Wouldn't they be funny faggots? And Ralph Kramden leanin' out the window there one day sayin' "Norton! Norton, pal! Come on down! I want to show you something. HEH HEH" "Hey Ralphie boy, what do you say there, pal of mine?" "You know Norton, I've been watchin' you. And I know you've been watchin' me, Norton. You're watchin'. I know." "So Ralph, what are you gettin' at?" "Norton my friend, how would you like to fuck me up the ass? I know you want to fuck me, Norton! And you know that I know that you know that I know that you want to fuck me. Now I'm gonna bend over. And when I do, start fuckin'! Here I go!" "Whoooooooooah!” Hummuna-hummunah-hummunah-hummunah-hummunah-hummunah-hu...Way to go there, Ralphie boy!"
I kid the homosexuals a lot, cause they're homosexuals. I, I fuck with everybody, I don't give a fuck . It's like um, I don't mean anything by it. You can hang out with a gay person. You can guys. Don't feel, you know like alienated gay people 'cause they're gay. 'Cause you can play tennis with a gay person. Really, just after the game you say "I'm gonna get a beer, what you gonna do?" "I think I'll go suck somebody's dick." "Well, I'll see you later. Take it easy. You go suck that dick. I'm gonna have the beer."
Ladies are hip to it too. Ladies be hangin' out with gay people. Ladies be saying, "Gay men are the best friends to have. 'Cause they don't want anything from you and you don't want anything from them and he can just hang out and you can be with him and it's fun and you can talk to them" and all that bullshit and they be hangin' out with them.
You know what's real scary about that? That new AIDS shit. AIDS is scary 'cause it kills motherfuckers, AIDS. That ain't like the good old days when venereal disease was simple. In the good old days you'd get gonorrhea and your dick hurt, Go get a shot, clear it right up. Then they came out with herpes. You keep that shit forever like luggage. Now they got AIDS. That just kills motherfuckers. I say what's next? I guess you just put your dick in and it explode (mimes sex and an explosion) and the girl will be on the bed and go "Maybe I should see a doctor about this."
Kills people! And it petrifies me because girls be hangin' out with them. And one night they could be in the club havin' fun with their gay friend and give them a little kiss (lip-smacking sound) and go home with their AIDS on their lips. Get home with their husband and like five years later it's "Mr. Johnson, you have AIDS." He goes, "AIDS? But I'm not a homosexual." "Sure, you're not a homosexual."
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Now this fairly notorious excerpt is little more than the aggressive humour of the playground. Murphy has a great youthful energy and charm, with rapport with his audience, and these jokes are a way of bringing everyone together: this is what we really think and laugh at, all the stuff that isn’t safe for TV. Of course, much of Murphy’s act is very externally focused rather then the personal anecdotes and interpretations of the likes of Bruce or Richard Pryor. A strange guttural hooting Mr T and some only so-so impressions of “The Honeymooners” sodomising one another is not terribly advanced stuff. And there’s a weird quality of being vulnerable to homosexual advances, gay panic, while knowing it’s not really right. By this time, using “faggot” is a deliberately offensive move. It’s a way of showing I’ll say what I like about whom I like.
Immediately after this, when Murphy was criticised, he mocked gays all the more for being pissed off for his having mocked them in the first place.
Some years later Murphy would apologise for these jokes in his routine. And we all know the sterling work Murphy has since made in out-reach projects to the transgender community.
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